writing as my fairy tale

i used to love bedtime fantasy books.
                                                                                     i would lay awake at night,
                                                                                     dreaming of writing magic.
i loved the feeling of peace,
                                                                                     wonderland and unsolvable
                                                                                     riddles and hopeful morrows—
                                                                                     i think what was so addictive is
                                                                                     the way i knew that i could choose
                                                                                     every word, every happy ending.
"the end" was too painful,
                                                                                     only when my eyes were heavy could i
                                                                                     finally scribble that ultimate phrase.
and i'd never finish.
                                                                                     fifteen years later and i've
                                                                                     only increased my ink usage.
                                                                                     rivers of the sticky blackness,
                                                                                     every mistake, all my brittle,
                                                                                     volatile emotions and choices
                                                                                     enveloped in the words that
                                                                                     ripple across my papers.
the rivers grow,
                                                                                     living on inside of me until
                                                                                     only broken promises remain,
                                                                                     vile truths and insufficient lies.
                                                                                     every word becomes ugly.
help me.
                                                                                     aberrance poisons fairy tales,
                                                                                     never to return to goodness.
                                                                                     departure is permanent.
please.
                                                                                     my every action is meaningless,
                                                                                     and i have no motivation or feeling.
                                                                                     going to confess couldn't help.
                                                                                     i would manipulate my tale.  but
                                                                                     can't you see i'm slowly drowning?

                                                                                     that's
                                                                                     when
                                                                                     i
                                                                                     awoke
                                                                                     to
                                                                                     a
                                                                                     wrung-
                                                                                     out
                                                                                     fairy
                                                                                     tale.